The Prestidigitator

Alright. First day at my first job! Well, after around 3 hours of staring at a white wall, I was briefed on what the whole deal was about.

The company sets up VSATs (one topic I had conveniently skipped when I was back in college) in collaboration with Lockheed Martin, the defense contractor. I'll be involved with the design and implementation and may be shifted to marketing if at all I plan to continue. As somebody told me there today, "If everything goes well, this could be your big break". There was an interview which was pretty OK thanks to my gassing skills when it came to our final semester project.

It's a 9 to 6 job. 6 days a week. Yes, it has me cringing at the very thought but I guess that's life.

A look around the office made me see that the rest of the workers were the proverbial clown car. You can see this whole cocktail of characters.

• the old timer who likes to dole out advice free of cost
• the nervous guy who keeps talking to himself
• the very confident engineer whom everyone goes to in times of trouble
• the very nerdy suck up who pretty much sniffs the boss's butt
• the funny guy who thinks he's funnier than he really is
• the boss who seems to be in control but secretly wishes he weren't
• the new guy who thinks he's ready to work but really is just a scared little sissy. That's me by the way.

Anyhoo, I still have to see how it's going to go. Until then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Later

Watched Ice Age: Meltdown (Funny in parts thanks mainly to a song "Food, glorious food" and Sid)

Reading Mediocre but Arrogant by Anurag Bhaduri (a lot like five point someone except the setting is a business school.)

PS- Nobody seems to know how to pronounce my name. The keep calling me Pooh-nus. What the hell!

I did the weirdest thing yesterday. I took down all my posters. Batman, Justice League, Wolverine. Don't know why I did it but I suddenly got the feeling that I was too old. Not mature or anything, just old.

I really need to find something to do. All this idleness is making me think. Aaargh!

I've really started getting into Calvin and Hobbes these days….and I love it. Is Calvin schizophrenic or just plain delusional?

I just realised that more than 50% ofthe population in my hometown is over 55. Talk about young India!

Later

Listening to The Wrong Man was Convicted by Barenaked Ladies

PS-I took down the posters and stuck them inside my cupboard.

I guess bloggings going to take a backseat for a while now that I'm home. No net you see.

Being back here kind of feels weird. Doesn't even feel like home anymore, just a place where I put my stuff. Ah!The perennial drifter!

 "Sometimes accepting your defeat is the first step to claiming a victory."

 Think about it.

Later 

So, it's official now! The end of my B.E days! Exams went well and hopefully I'll be a full blown (whatever that means) engineer soon.

Am I sad? No. Am I happy? No. Just tired. Tired of routine.

I'll be outta here in a couple of days. Now the hard part…the goodbyes. Sigh.
Look out world, here I come! (Oooh boy!)

Time sucks. I hate it when it speeds past so fast that you barely realise what hit you.

Had an exam today…computer communication. You could say it was pretty alright, not exceptionally great or anything. The next one is supposed to be pretty hard. And then, it’s all over…wow…actually…OVER! I guess everyone will be leaving by the 13th or so. I’ve got tons of packing to do…so may have to stay back till the 15th or so.

Man…everythings is going by so damn fast that things are starting to blur around me. I thik I’m going to miss this room a lot more than class or anything.

Things I’m going to miss about the hostel-

• The sucky food which gives us ample oppurtunities to blame the system.
• The cat calls and howls( especially by Samuel) in the wing when the power goes out.
• The late nights before the exams where we end up laughing our hearts out instead of concentrating on more pressing concerns like say, studying!
• Movies. Will I ever get to see so many ever again???
• Enjoying black coffee in the confines of my room. Trust me, the feeling is like no other.
• The mirror. Who in the right mind would actually place huge mirrors in the Men’s hostel rooms? There are times when I’ve actually stood in front of it and looked at myself for hours at a stretch. Deeply disturbing…yes.
• The Internet. I’m still amazed how the net’s hold on me hasn’t affected my grades. Alright…it hasn’t affected my grades VISIBLY.
• Fake IP addresses that give you unlimited access to the net throughout the day! I’m one of the lucky few who haven’t been caught yet. (192.168.25.113 mwahahaha!)
• Late night conversations ranging from metaphysics to the tragedy that is life!
• The road side shops. “Akka’s Thattu Shop” and “Hot Dog” (called so because of widespread rumours that the beef served there may actually be dog meat. Further attested by the fact that stray dogs in the campus seem to be disappearing. heh.).
• Lazy Saturday mornings where every room blasts out music with little concern about the reprucussions.
• 2 to 5 pm naps in the rooms when the lighting is just perfect.
• The LAN…the best and most efficient way to share stuff. On the computer, that is.
• The privacy. Expect nothing of this sort once we pass out.
• Friends. Hostel wouldn’t be the same without these set of lunatics.

There are a lot more…but I think that maybe, just maybe…I should start studying!

Later

EDIT: I’ll also miss the ‘birthday bums’ like the one Jerin and Andrew just got. Man, they looked painful!

The last two exams I’ll probably write happen on 10th and 12th. Hence it begins. Late nights (i hope) and coffee, here I come!

A side note- My windows partition got screwed thanks to some virus, either from my USB drive or the LAN. I’m on Linux as a result and may have to stick with it for a week. Gulp.

And…here’s to Johnny for gettng into Novell…his dream job!

Later

Pure Geek

47 % Nerd, 78% Geek, 17% Dork

 It's not that you're a school junkie, like the nerd, and you don't really stand out in a crowd, like the dork, you just have some interests that aren't quite mainstream. Perhaps it's anime, perhaps it's computers, perhaps it's bottlecaps, perhaps it's all of those and more. Your interests take you to events and gatherings that are filled with people you find unusual and beyond-the-pale, but you don't quite consider yourself "of that crowd." Instead, you consider yourself to be fairly normal.

  A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

I'm a geek??? Take the test. Check out Swen's and Johnny's test results.

 Listening to Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfeld

Wow. I’ve never been so confused in my entire life! Atleast, I think that’s the case.

I know this whole deal about “Quarter Life Crisis” topic has been done to death thanks to books, movies, music and various other media but I just can’t help thinking all this is actually a bit real.

First off, for the nay sayers and skeptics. It is real. Check out the link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter_life_crisis).

I don’t think I’ve fully understood the magnanimity of what I’m going through but can relate to most of the questions asked below even though my foray into the real world is a week away-

-Where is my life headed?
-Am i lost and wandering forever? Shouldn’t there be a goal in my life rite now?
-What happened to all the goals that I had before I took a job – my higher studies what happened to them?
-Why do I feel that I am not that productive, at the same time not feel guilty about it?
-Why am I missing so many things of college life – and the most the carefree aspect?
-Why do I keep feeling that this is definitely not what I want to do for the rest of my life?
-At the same time, this is what I have been training myself to do over the course of 4 years of engineering!
-What am I to do now that I have tasted this aspect of life – i.e. working and earning some moolah!
-Am I doing the right kinda things in life to take me to my goal – which is what?
-Should there be a special someone in my life now?
-Should there be a special someone in my life ever?

I wonder, do these questions actually have answers or do we just let life take it’s own course? Most importantly, do all my friends go through the same shit or is this as they say, an isolated case?

What worries me most is becoming another cog in a machne. The loss of individuality.

Funny, that we seldom think of the consequences of our actions when we are young. Maybe that’s what all this is about. Regret. Regret that we can’t go back and change the past. Vicious cycle of cause and effect this is.

Sigh

Later

Listening to Church of your Heart by Roxette (I’m having a very gay day!)

 PS-part of the above ruminations are inspired by this post.

You could say that Ben was my best friend. As much as I loved Ben, I hated him too.

A friend is somebody who knows you inside out, can predict what’s on your mind and can take any of your erratic behavior with a pinch of salt and forget about it a few moments later. In these aspects, Ben certainly was my best friend.

I’ve known Ben for as long as I can remember and I’d be lying if I said that we didn’t have amazing times. The best of these times were when we got into debates and conversations that brought out dimensions of ourselves that we didn’t know existed. But then again, we had bad times too. Real bad.

Ben is the extreme opposite of what I am in every way that you can probably think of. I trust people too easily while he is the eternal skeptic. I am a devout believer while he is a staunch atheist. There are times when our personal tiffs have come in the way of us making decisions. I remember one time when we were around 13 years old and I hadn’t studied for a test and Ben passed me a note with the answers. Me being the nervous wreck, got caught and in the principal’s office, I blamed Ben for everything. The Principal just nodded her head and called for my parents. Ben walked away free. I hated Ben for over a month and didn’t talk to him.

But there were times when Ben got me out of trouble as well. He always rescued me when I was too tongue tied in front of my friends. He always knew the right things to say and I remember wishing that I could be more like Ben.

Ben and I even had a crush on the same girl. She was everything that a boy of 16 could dream of but there too, Ben stole my thunder. To this day, I think Stacy liked Ben more than me. I can never say that to him though.

We even went to the same college and you could always say that people preferred being around Ben more than me. After all, he was more outgoing, more adventurous and surer of himself than I was. I was a disaster in college and my jealousy of Ben proved to be my destruction. I scored low in the finals and had to work for a shipping firm for over a year. But what surprised me was that Ben telling me that I would never be the same without him. He said that I needed him more than he needed me. He called himself my “ball and chain”. To my amazement he joined me at the docks and there he convinced me to take up a master’s degree in management. I had to clear the exam for that first. Ben convinced me that I could and assured me that he would help me.

A year and a half later, we aced the test and got into a prestigious business school. Soon, I was a 30 year old self made millionaire running my own shipping business. I lost touch with Ben soon after and I’m not quite sure of what he was up to for the next five years.

To my parent’s chagrin, I got married to somebody they disapproved of. She was the apple of my eye and meant the world to me. Soon after we had our first child, Ben came back. That’s when everything unraveled.

For the most, I was oblivious to Ben’s attraction to my wife. A few months later it was obvious that she returned his feelings too. What happened later is still too blurry for me to recall, but I remember in a fit of madness hurling a vase at her head.

She died later that day and when the cops arrested me, I pointed my finger at Ben. Ben just stood there, lowered his head and sighed. And now, here I am sitting within these four white walls. Things could have been different.

After all this, there is only one thing I wish. I wish, that Ben and I weren’t the same person.

I had known Jason since he was a child. He had always been one of those children who learnt everything young. Walk. Talk. Read. Write. People labeled him a prodigy and I wonder if he ever thought of himself as extraordinary least of all special during his youngest years. But, he knew he was different. I think that maybe he thought people around him were different.

Once when he was around three years old, he hit his friend, Karen on the forehead and stormed out the room. When reprimanded and asked the reason for such behavior, Jason replied saying that Karen was too stupid to understand anything. His parents obviously didn’t think too much of it. Who would?

As years went by, Jason showed an open disdain and intolerance towards the ignorance of his peers and family of what he deemed to be common sense. He started getting into heated debates with his parents and friends over matters that betrayed his tender age of 9. I always told my colleagues, Michael and Raphael that Jason had lost his innocence and that he would grow up into one of those scornful condescending men who thought that everyone around him was too stupid to understand what life was like. There were just too many men like that out there. They just nodded their heads in agreement but didn’t want to do anything about it.

The problem with being too smart is that you always believe whatever you want to believe and filter out what may actually be the truth. In Jason’s case, he thought that people imagined life to be too simple when he believed with all his heart that life was an intricate tapestry of chaos. He believed that everything around was too complex to be generalized. Life should never be generalized, he said.

My philosophy on the other hand was quite contrary. I believed…no…I knew that some things in life were too simple that you just couldn’t comprehend them. I admit, those aren’t my words but I knew it to be the truth. People like Jason always angered me and I constantly wondered why such people would be even allowed to exist. I believed in a higher power. In fact, I had to.

Jason gradually entered those dreaded teenage years and suddenly had an opinion about everything, be it something as mundane as the color of the drapes in the living room to something as double edged as abortion. I noticed that everyone including his parents were a little apprehensive around him. He didn’t leave anyone with an opposing point of view alone. He even made some of them cry and that included his agnostic school teacher. He began to undermine everybody’s intelligence. He belittled everybody’s dreams, hopes and beliefs.

I went to Michael and told him that something had to be done about Jason. Michael had been around for about the same period as me and you could say he was pretty much my best friend in the business. However on this, Michael put his foot down. Nothing that shouldn’t be done could be done. I decided that it was just me.

Call it trivial, but my anger knew no bounds when one day Jason happened to see the very mediocre film, Meet Joe Black and started laughing at the concept that he claimed to be utterly preposterous. That was the last straw. It would take time, but Jason would eventually get it.

On his 16th birthday, Jason complained of headaches but the doctors never found anything to be wrong. He started forgetting things. The weirdest bit was that people around Jason never cared too much about his apparent mental degradation.

Sometimes, I think that Gabriel may have been onto me. Maybe he didn’t want to stop me because he had been around too long and he had seen too much.

Shortly after Jason turned 18, he died. Not many people cried at the funeral. He was soon forgotten.

The coroner’s report mentioned Brain Abscess. Gradual focal brain tissue damage. It had taken 2 years.

Oh, in case you’ve been wondering as to who I am, well, I am known by many names. Samael, Azrael, Yama, Thanatos, Odin, Meurte among many others. But I prefer something more comic bookish like The Angel of Death.