The Prestidigitator

Seeing that 2008 wasn’t an especially good year (what with the economic crisis adding to my perpetual existential crisis), new year celebrations were a relatively sober affair. Relatively.

If the experts are to be believed, 2009 promises to be a shittier year and that’s saying a lot. Ah well, here’s to us. May we have the tenacity to see through these trying times.

What was it that Neitzche said about things that don’t kill you?

You spend enough time with people and you realize that it’s always tempting to reduce them to cultural stereotypes; the proverbial clown car so to speak.  It would have been depressing if it weren’t so much fun.

So yes, I spend happy hours after work with this rather colorful group – a group I’ve grown particularly fond of over the past few months; the Indian couple who after 3 years of marriage still seem to be all over each other, the proselytizing right wing American who cannot stop blathering about the USPs of being ‘born again’, the pretty Chinese girl who for some strange reason finds it imperative that she photograph every waking moment of her life, the computer whiz who downs more energy drinks than anyone else I know and the jolly chain smoking (militant) atheist who would have made a brilliant Santa Claus if he weren’t, well, such an avowed atheist. (Note how I consider myself above all generalizations.)

A couple of nights back, during one of our inebriated sessions, religion comes up. Pretty Chinese girl starts raving about how Buddhism is the one religion/philosophy that in the last 2500 years hasn’t instigated a single conflict. Not to be outdone, Santa Claus reiterates how secularists have done more good for humanity than followers of all religions combined. Mr Yankee, piss drunk and understandably offended starts mouthing verses from the bible much to the consternation of Young Married Couple.

Things take a turn for the worse when insults are exchanged between Santa Claus and Mr Yankee (“Let’s see you turn the other cheek when I…”). Emotions flare and I try my best to break the tension with lame attempts at humor. For a moment they seem to work and Yankee calms down visibly.

“You bastards can say whatever you want but Jesus saves.”

An awkward pause follows and then Computer Whiz, “Well then he should bloody well invest in real estate, shouldn’t he?”

While the majority of you have been rotting in normalcy, wallowing in needless human drama and reading pointless blog posts, The Prestidigitator has been out saving whales off the coast of Koh Samui, jumping off planes with strange men, restoring democracy to tiny African nations, rescuing damsel(s) in distress, taking care of corrupt Estonian government officials and covertly tracking down missing nuclear weapons. Life altering epiphanies have not escaped him either; he now knows what a cab driver in Bangkok means by ‘fun sexy timings‘. Some things you find out the hard, uncomfortable, awkward way.

Meanwhile, it has come to his attention that a nice Austrian girl is dying to know what smells and sounds The Prestidigitator is fond of. Disturbing (and oddly nice) as it is, The Prestidigitator will oblige.

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?

Forbidden Kingdom. It was er…different in more ways than one.

2. What book are you reading?

- Atomised by Michel Houellebecq

- Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris

3. Favorite board game?

Scrabble. He isn’t any good at it though.

4. Favorite magazine?

Wired.

5. Favorite smells?

Strong coffee in the mornings, crushed blueberries and a certain fragrance he cannot define.

6. Favorite sounds?

Waves crashing against rocks/boulders with the din of heavy traffic behind is what comes to mind; for no apparent reason.

7. Worst feeling in the world?

Just one? Being bored.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

‘Fuck. I was asleep for that long?’

9. Favorite fast food place?

DeGraves Espresso, Flinders Lane, Melbourne. Best Coffee in the Milky way.

10. Future child’s name?

Prince Yau Calabi (boy) and Leia Skywalker (girl). Really.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?

…quit, travel and attempt making a film.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Um. No.

13. Storms – cool or scary?

Cool. I think.

14. Favorite drink?

Strong black coffee minus sugar.

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

Straighten it and place speed bumps. Unfortunately, The Doctor says time is wibbly wobbly timey wimey, so yeah.

16. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

Broccoli has stems?

17. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

I’d let it be.

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?

Kuwait, Kottayam (Kerala, India), Coimbatore (T Nadu, India), Hyderabad (Andhra Pradesh, India), Bangalore (Karnataka, India), Melbourne (Australia). However, he has spent most of his life in his head.

19. Favorite sports to watch?

Do cat fights count?

20. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?

She may not admit it but she’s madly in love with The Prestidigitator.

21. What’s under your bed?

No bed. Sleeping bag.

22. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

Anything else would be going down a notch.

23. Morning person, or night owl?

Morning.

24. Over easy, or sunny side up?

Sunny side up.

25. Favorite place to relax?

Victoria State Library, Melbourne. Or a nice walk just about anywhere in the world.

26. Favorite pie?

Blueberry.

27. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Chocolat.

Finito.

A couple of nights back, after watching Sideways for the millionth time, I decided to buy a bottle of wine. My knowledge of alcoholic beverages is the bare minimum but I must say I’d always considered wines to be marginally more elegant than gin, whiskey, beer and the likes and hence had once made an attempt at becoming a wine connoisseur of sorts. That didn’t go too well.

Anyhow, I picked up a bottle from the nearest liquor store (which incidentally is next door). Barely glancing at the label, I paid for it. Upon reaching the apartment, I took out a wine glass (yes, I have a couple) and proceeded to get on with the necessary formalities i.e color, swirl, smell, taste, and savour. As the strong, sweet and pungent liquid passed through my esophagus, I felt a slight sensation of giddiness. Once the giddiness passed, I ditched the glass and took a couple of swigs straight from the bottle. A few more gulps, and the bottle was near empty. My head felt a lot lighter and it dawned on me that I may have been a bit…drunk. To savor the moment, I fumbled on my computer to find the appropriate music that would compliment, nay accentuate the feeling. Muse.

I closed my eyes to take it all in when I was suddenly hit by a terrible epiphany. There I was…getting drunk…for no reason…alone. I had always associated drinking alone with depression. I’d always hated people who did that. Was I no better? As I plunged down that melancholic spiral of self loathing and shame, I couldn’t help but feel like crap (for want of a better word).

I tried redirecting the hatred onto something more worthwhile. Memories of an age old rivalry came to mind. I’d never spoken my mind to him; he’d gotten away with the last word. What better time to enervate than when under the influence. Should I call him up or should I write? An email would be more articulate but would it accurately convey the contempt? Would the tone be grave enough?

As I pondered on ways to emotionally decapitate the vermin, I glanced at the wine label.

Ariel Blanc

Premium Dealcoholized Wine

Contains less than one half of one percent alcohol by volume

It’s amazing how much of a couch potato I’ve become over the last five months; so much that I actually spend most of my waking life perched (for want of a better word) on the couch with my eyes glued to the computer or television or in rare cases, a book.

I try justifying the lethargy by convincing myself that the lack of physical exertion is being compensated by my more intellectual pursuits namely films, music and stimulating television shows (read Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader). The lack of drive to do anything worthwhile is taking it’s toll on me. The constant urge to gorge down large amounts of junk food has already contributed to the 15 extra kilos I now possess.  Wait…I do spend hours trying to get the G chord right…that’s exercise right?

Like every other time, I’ve made a resolution that no doubt will be forgotten a week down the line. I’ve decided to give jogging a try.

Thanks to bodily functions and the fact that I have day job; else I’d have grown roots by now.

I constantly keep track of my site stats, mostly just to feed my bloated ego but there are times I’m curious to find what people actually read here. Somehow my post on 300 shows up whenever people search for naked men. I will not comment on that but today someone searched for ”malayalee moron” and ended up here! Says a lot about the author eh?

Who exactly at Google do I thank?

A huge chunk of my social life here comprises of the long pointless conversations I have with friends and family back home via the phone and instant messengers. A couple of days back, as The New and Improved Daedalus and I deliberated over one of our favorite topics; existential angst, he said something that both made me roll over in laughter and think. You know you’re in trouble, when Swen makes you think.

…(conversation about how life is far too meaningless and pointless)…

me: So who’s to blame? Friends? Family? Society?  Circumstances?

him: God!

me: Huh?

him: Since he’s taking credit for most things, he can certainly take the blame a few times. And…it doesn’t really hurt anybody! 

After years (!) of careful thinking and research (and mind numbing monotony), the list of probable candidates for  the honor of being The Prestidigitator’s Idea of the Perfect Woman has come down to three beautiful and not to mention intelligent individuals…er…women.

1. Cate Blanchett:  She blew my mind away with her performances in Elizabeth and even films like The Life Aquatic but what clinched it was an interview of hers I saw last week on Aussie TV. Not only does she seem to be intelligent and well read but  also showed a great deal of depth whilst deliberating on topics ranging from death to philosophy. Most other actresses are (face it) vain and um…not that intellectually stimulating but Cate Blanchett comes across as the very antithesis.

2. Natalie Portman: Well…no surprise here. She has that unique characteristic what many (not me) would call ‘twinkle in the eye‘. She has a certain sense of intelligence and ‘bubbliness’ that you would be hard pressed to find in actresses of her generation. To boot, she also has a degree in psychology from Harvard (proving she is as smart as she looks) and she actually submitted a paper titled “Frontal Lobe Activation During Object Permanence“! Beat that!

3. Marge Simpson: Proving that the perfect woman need not be three dimensional, Marge Simpson is the everyday woman with a tinge of attitude. Yes, she is patient, a great painter, has high morals etc.. But she also has that unpredictability that you just wouldn’t find in any other woman in suburbia. And…she has blue hair.

Congratulations, Ladies! 

I recently found out that there’s a cinema in Melbourne (Cinema Nova) that plays offbeat films; so I decided to catch the french flick Paris, je t’aime which I’d been dying to see ever since I heard about it. Also, the lovely Ms Portman has a part in it.

Now, friends and family will vouch the fact that I’m terrible at directions. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I find it extremely challenging to read a map. I printed a map off the net and set out (on foot) to find 380, Lygon St. I walked for over an hour to find the place only to realise I’d walked in exactly the opposite direction.

Dejected but still determined, I walked all the way back to find that they needed an ID proof of my age! They actually didn’t believe I was over 18. I tried arguing saying that in spite of my boyish looks (and charms) I was almost 23. No luck. They still wanted to see my passport which I had conveniently left back at the hotel.

I know I was supposed to be upset, but somehow the fact that people actually thought I was barely 18 made me smile. I was getting tired of being told that I was too stiff and serious all the time. Take that!

I rewarded myself with a Thundercats T Shirt. It’s amazing how much a cartoon from my childhood still manages to excite me every time I see the insignia.

Nostalgia can work wonders.

Orson Welles wrote, directed and starred in Citizen Kane by the time he was 25.

At 22, Ian Thorpe became the only person to medal in the 100-200-400 combination in Olympic history.

Ramanujan compiled over 3500 theorems before he died at 33.

What did you do?